Weekly chuckles stolen from the web
After years of analysis, a psychiatrist asked her multiple-personality patient, “So? Do you feel like you’re cured?” She replied, “Absolutely. We’ve never felt better!
“My life sucks. I loaned a guy ten grand so he could get plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like!
Two blokes entered a strange pub and asked the barkeep to settle an argument for them. “Are there two or four pints in a quart?” they asked. “Two pints in a quart,” he confirmed. They then moved to a table and, when the waitress asked for their order, told her, “Two pints, please, miss and the bartender’s payin’.” She looked skeptical. “That cheapskate? That’d be a first!” One guy yelled to the bartender, “You did say ‘two pints,’ didn’t you?” And the bartender replied, “That’s right: two pints!
“A businessman drove his secretary home after working late. Although he was totally innocent, he decided it was best not to mention it to his wife, who tended to be jealous. Later that evening, as he and his wife were driving to a restaurant, he noticed a high-heeled shoe sticking out from under the passenger seat. He waited until his wife was distracted out her window, scooped up the shoe, and tossed it out of his window. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. His wife squirmed around a little and asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
The manager of the hospital softball team was responsible for returning equipment to its owners at the end of the season. To return a bat to one of the surgeons, he had to walk past several patients and their families in the waiting area. One wag said to his wife, “Look, honey. It’s your anesthesiologist!”