Stolen from around the web
The new elementary school counselor was eager to help her pupils in any way possible so, when she noticed a girl standing all alone during recess while the other children played soccer far away, she asked the girl if she was all right. “I’m fine, thank you.” But the girl stayed in the same spot, all alone. “Would you like to be my friend?” The girl looked surprised, but said, “Okay.” Finally making progress, she asked, “Why are you standing all alone, dear?” The exasperated girl said, “Because I’m the goalie!”
Three medical professionals stood before the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter ordered each to state their profession and something good they did with their life. The doctor said, “I devoted my life to the sick and needy.” Saint Peter said, “You may enter Heaven.” The nurse said, “I supported the doctors and their patients.” Saint Peter said, “You may enter Heaven.” The third person said, “I ran an enormous HMO and was responsible for the health care of millions of people.” Saint Peter said, “You may enter Heaven — but you can only stay two nights!”
A man was grocery shopping with his son. He checked something off his list, shook his head, and then whispered conspiratorially, “You know, if we really mess this up, maybe she won’t make us do it again!”
As he set the middle-aged farmhand’s broken leg, the doctor asked how it happened. “Well, doc, lemme tell ya. Twenty-five years ago, when I first started workin’ the farm, one night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful young daughter came into my room and asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, ‘No, everything’s fine’ and she said, ‘Are you sure?’ and I said, ‘I’m sure’ and she said, ‘Isn’t there something I can do for you?’ and I said, ‘I reckon not” and she…” “Excuse me,” said the doctor. “Exactly what does this have to do with your broken leg?” The farmhand explained, “Well, this morning, when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the barn roof!”
A lady lost her handbag while shopping, but it was quickly found by an honest little boy who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “This is strange. When I lost my purse, there was a twenty-dollar bill in it. Now, there are four five-dollar bills.” The boy replied, “Yep. The last time I found a purse, she didn’t have enough change for a reward!”
Aggressive Retirement 