Stolen from around the web
A buddy and I were discussing former lovers. He said he once broke-up with a girl because she had an incurable speech impediment. I said, “I’m shocked. I’ve never known you to be prejudiced. What was her problem?” He said, “She couldn’t say ‘yes’!”
—————————–
Actual Audio Excerpts From Police Video Cameras~
-“Yeah, we have a quota… two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
~ “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.”
~ “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not… was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
~ “You didn’t think we gave pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Please sign here.”
~ “Warning!?!? You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
~ “So you don’t know how fast you were going… I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
~ “Just how big were those two beers?”
————————————————
Why do gynecologists and urologists leave the room while you undress?
——————————————
I answered a 9-1-1 call at our emergency dispatch center from a woman who said her water broke. “Stay calm,” I advised. “Now, how far apart are your contractions?” “No contractions,” she said breathlessly. “But my basement is flooding fast.”
—————————————————-
Conflicting Proverbs
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
————————————————–
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
————————————————–
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
—————————————————
A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.
—————————————————–
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
—————————————————-
Clothes make the man.
Don’t judge a book by its cover.
—————————————————
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
—————————————————-
It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
The nail that sticks out gets hammered
Aggressive Retirement 