Stolen from around the web
~ Most people who don’t know where they’re going in life are already there.
~ My only complaint about censorship is .
~ Does everybody know how much I don’t lake typos?
~ The person who invented AutoCorrect had way too much free time on his hats.
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.”Madam,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.” The man replied, “I know you didn’t, but your neighbors did.”
Suzie had a crush on Mike since she was 15 years old but Mike never paid any attention to her. But when she turned 18 and blossomed, suddenly Mike took notice and asked her out. Suzie spent hours getting ready, making sure everything was perfect. Waiting on the front porch, she saw Mike pull up, and ran to the curb. “Hi, Mike!” she said, nervously. Mike replied, “Suzie, you look beautiful!” She was so pleased — but then it hit her: she realized in horror that she needed to pass gas! “What am I going to do?” she thought. But then she had an idea: she would let him open the door for her, get in and then fart while he was walking back to the driver’s side. If she rolled down the window fast enough, by the time he got in, all would be okay. Mike opened her door, Suzie got in. As he closed her door, she ripped a giant killer, and then rolled down her window. As Mike got in the car, she just smiled. But Mike turned, pointed to the back seat and said, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date.”
Jane drove for sixteen straight hours and was still six hours from her destination so she decided to pull onto a side road and take a nap. Just as she drifted off, a man in a jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death. “Sorry to wake you,” he huffed, while jogging in place. “But can you tell me the time?” Jane glanced at her watch. 6:15 a.m.” she said through the glass. The man thanked her and jogged away. “Just my luck,” she thought. “I parked on a jogging route.” She was just getting back to sleep when two female joggers asked for the time. Jane sighed, looked at her watch, and said, “6:20.” “Thanks!” they said, and jogged off. Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated and tired, she grabbed a pen and scrawled “I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME” on the back of a magazine, stuck it in the window, and tried to go back to sleep. Just as she was dozing off, another jogger knocked on her window, pointed to the sign, and shouted, “It’s 6:27!”
“Is that a new putter, Doug?” “Yep. Sure is!” “So what happened to your old one?” “It couldn’t swim!”
Love may be blind but marriage is an eye-opener!
How can it take so little time for a child afraid of the dark to become a teenager begging to stay out all night?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Aggressive Retirement 