Stolen from around the web
A circus couple went to an adoption agency, but the social workers doubted their suitability. “Where will you live?” They pulled up photos of their 50-foot deluxe motor home, complete with a nursery. “But how can you provide an education?” “We’ll hire a full-time tutor.” “What about health care?” “We have a full-time nanny who’s a pediatric welfare expert.” Finally the social workers relented. “Okay, then. What age child do you want?” “Oh, we don’t care, as long as it fits inside the cannon!”
The best part of time travel would be sleeping till noon and still making it to work by 8 AM!
When I die, I want my friends to come to my funeral wearing black suits and wrist microphones and then stand silently in the back of the room so my family thinks I led a cool double life.
What if we’re just a reality show for a more intelligent species?
A reporter at Mary’s birthday party asked her, “What’s the best thing about turning 100?” Mary thought a moment and responded, “No peer pressure!”