Stolen from around the web
My wife wants me to have my eyes examined; apparently I can’t see things her way!
The Wit of Phyllis Diller: – Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
– The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit.
– The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
– We spend the first two years of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next fifteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.
– Cleaning a house with growing kids is like shoveling a walk while it’s still snowing.
– Old age is when your liver spots show through your gloves.
– My photographs don’t do me justice — they look just like me.
– I had a pain beneath my left breast. Turns out it was a trick knee.
– Tranquilizers work best when you follow the advice on the bottle: “keep away from children.”
– The golf pro tells you to keep your head down so you can’t see him laughing.
– You know you’re old when your blood type is discontinued.- I tried that new whiskey diet. So far, I’ve lost three days!
Guys believe that every woman dreams of finding the perfect man. No way. Women dream of eating without getting fat!
A man entered a psychiatrist’s office with a large parrot on his shoulder. The psychiatrist said, “Wow, cool! Where’d you get him?” The parrot replied, “New York City. There’s millions of ’em there!”