Stolen from around the web
While stitching up a 75-year-old farmer, the doctor mentioned politics. The farmer said, “Well, the way I see it, most politicians are post turtles.” The doctor asked, “What’s a post turtle?” The old farmer replied, “Sometimes, when you’re workin’ the farm, you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top of it. That’s a post turtle: you know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and he’s elevated beyond his ability to function. It makes you wonder, ‘What idiot put him up there?’!
“Why do we spend so much money on clothes when the best moments of our life are spent without them?
Woody Allen says: “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
After a long, hot round of golf, I stopped by Hooters with friends for some hot wings and drinks. After we were served, a friend asked, “So, which waitress would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” I replied, “The one who knows how to fix an elevator.” I’m old and tired and I pee often!
When you use up a roll of wrapping paper, you’re still not old if you use the leftover tube as a weapon!