Stolen from around the web.
Two candidates running for a local office bumped into each other in a diner. One said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my personal touch. For example, I always generously tip my waitress and then ask her to vote for me.” The other candidate said, “Oh, really? I always tip a quarter and then ask them to vote for you!”
A prestigious law firm interviewed many candidates, narrowing the field down to Robert and Paul. Both had graduated Magna Cum Laude. Both were from good families. Both were attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to decide, so he took each aside and asked one question: “Why did you become a lawyer?” Within seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside and said, “I don’t understand why I was rejected. When he asked why I became a lawyer, I told him that I had great respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution, and that all I wanted was to serve my clients. What did you say?” Robert replied, “I told him I became a lawyer because of my hands.” “Your hands? What does that mean?” “There wasn’t any money in either of them!”
A woman found her husband in the kitchen, stalking around with a flyswatter. “What are you doing now?” she asked. “Hunting flies.” “Oh. Kill any?” “Yep. Three males and two females.” “How can you tell them apart?” “Three were on beer cans. Two were on the phone!”
There was a knock on the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked out and saw a man standing there. But when Saint Peter opened the Gates, the man was gone. He closed them but within seconds there was another knock. Just as Saint Peter opened the Gates again, the man disappeared. The annoyed angel asked, “Hey! Are you playing games with me?” The man’s distant voice echoed back, “No. The EMTs keep resuscitating me!”
As we drove in the funeral procession, my daughter asked the dreaded question, “Dad, what will happen to us when you die?” My son didn’t even look up from his texting. “Dummy! Then we’ll get to ride in the limo!”
Aggressive Retirement 