Stolen from around the web
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates!
The teacher said, “Now we’ll write an essay on ‘If I Were a Millionaire’.” Everyone began to write except for Little Johnny. “What’s wrong, John? Why aren’t you writing?” Little Johnny just sat there with his hands folded behind his head and said, “I’m waiting for my secretary.”
The new prisoner told his cellmate, “I won’t be in here long.” The veteran replied, “I dunno. Didn’t the judge give you six years?” “Yeah, but I know my wife’ll break me out. She’s never let me finish a sentence yet!”
A lady wanted a nice chicken for dinner so she asked the butcher to see his selection. He only had one chicken left but he couldn’t tell her that, so he pulled out that lonely chicken and put it on the scale. She eyed the weight and asked, “Do you have one a little larger?” “Sure,” he replied. He removed the chicken, lowered it out of sight, shook it a little, and brought it back out. This time he added his trained thumb to the edge of the scale. She eyed the weight and said, “Fine. I’ll take them both.”
A policeman pulled over a motorist and asked, “Do you know you’re driving without a taillight?” The driver jumped out, raced to the rear of his car, and emitted a long, painful moan. The cop lightened up a little. “Oh, now, sir. You don’t have to take it that hard.” The guy cried, “Where’s my boat and trailer?”
Aggressive Retirement 