Stolen from around the web
A student who wanted into an advanced course was being interviewed by the admittance committee. The professor asked, “Would you rather answer ten easy questions or one difficult question?” The student immediately said, “One difficult question.” The professor smiled. He had him! “Young man, tell me: which came first, day or night?” The boy quickly replied, “Day, sir.” The professor grinned, thinking, “I got you!” He asked, “How?” The boy was dismissive. “I’m sorry, sir, but that’s a second question!” Admission secured.
A cop caught a man holding a bag of drugs over the toilet. “I swear, it’s not mine! I found them here and tried to flush them, but every time I do, they magically reappear in my hand!” The cop was skeptical. “I don’t believe you. Prove it.” The man dropped the drugs into the toilet and flushed. The bag swirled right down. The cop stared at his empty hand. “Well? Now where are the drugs?” “Drugs? What drugs?”
The wife crashed the car today – again. She told the police that the guy she ran into was on his cellphone, and drinking a beer. The police told her that he can do whatever he wants in his own living-room.
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked. “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other idiot using my stuff.” She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another idiot?”
I worked with a guy who just irritated everyone in the shop. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear. He must have suspected that he was annoying, because he asked a co-worker, “Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?” The guy replied, “It saves time.”