Stolen from around the web
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station. One blonde said, “I sure hope gas prices don’t go up again.” The other blonde replied, “Oh, that doesn’t matter to me. I always just put in twenty bucks worth!”
When my wife asked, “What’s your favorite position in bed?” I probably shouldn’t have said, “Near the wall so I can use my phone while it’s charging!”
Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt? Because his career was in ruins.
A woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing. The EMTs quickly arrived and placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then they began to gather her information. “What’s your age?” one asked. “Fifty-nine,” the patient answered, eyeing the blinking device on her finger. “What is that thing?” The EMT answered with a straight face, “It’s a lie detector. Now, what is your age?” “Sixty-three,” said the woman, sheepishly.
The three-year-old emerged from the bathroom smiling. “I brushed my teeth!” she proudly announced. “And then I brushed Wilbur’s.” Her horrified mother explained she shouldn’t have brushed the dog’s teeth and now they’d have to get her a new toothbrush. The next day, the girl asked, “Mommy, why did I need a new toothbrush?” Her mother answered patiently, “Remember? You used your toothbrush to brush the dog’s teeth, so you got a new one.” The youngster replied, “But, Mommy: I didn’t use my toothbrush on Wilbur’s teeth, I used yours!”
Aggressive Retirement 