Stolen from around the web
Mary Clancy went to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service in tears. He said, “So what’s bothering you, dear?” Mary said, “Oh, Father, I have terrible news. My husband Edgar passed away.” Father O’Grady consoled her, “Oh, Mary. That’s terrible! Did he have a last request?” “Aye, that he did, Father.” “What did he say, Mary?” “He said, ‘Please, Mary! Put down that gun!'”
A barber ran from his shop to where a policeman was standing. “Officer, I need your help. A guy just skipped out of my barber shop without paying!” The officer asked, “What’s he look like? Any distinguishing features?” The barber replied, “Well, he’s missing his left ear!”
An American took a guided tour of an old castle. Before the tour started, she told the guide, “I’m afraid of ghosts. There aren’t ghosts here, are there?” The guide answered, “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.” “And how long is that?” “About three hundred years.”
A happily married couple took in their old Aunt Emma and she nearly ended their marriage. She was always rude and demanding. After she finally died, on the way home from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t have put up with your Aunt Emma living with us all these years.” She looked aghast. “My Aunt Emma! I thought she was your Aunt Emma!”
A widower fell in love with a widow and all their children agreed they should get married. They sent out this invitation: “Phil, Richard, Karen, Allison, John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their mother and father, Marion Johnson Smith and Robert Hanson. Because they are combining their two households, they already have two of everything, so: Please, no presents! Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.”
Aggressive Retirement 