Stolen from around the web
“Hey, Peter? How did you get that bruise?” “Eating Halloween candy.” “Halloween candy won’t give you a bruise.” “It will when it’s your big brother’s Halloween candy!”
I read that anyone travelling in icy conditions should carry with them a shovel; blankets or sleeping bag; extra clothing; a 24-hour supply of food and water; de-icer; five pounds of rock salt; a flashlight with spare batteries; road flares; reflective triangles; a tow rope; a five-gallon can of gasoline; a first aid kit; and jumper cables. Boy, did I feel like an idiot on the bus this morning!
Little Johnny came in from playing in the mud and asked his mother, “Who am I?” Ready to play along, she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?” Little Johnny cried, “Wow! Mrs. Johnson was right. She said I was so dirty my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are!
A father was arguing with his daughter. She grew frustrated and stormed out of the room. In the doorway, she turned around and yelled, “And Jim Morrison was highly overrated!” Her dad yelled back, “Hey! What’d I tell you about slamming The Doors?!”
Me: Eating….
….My white shirt: Let me taste it.
Aggressive Retirement 