Stolen from the web
Procrastination is the only project I’ve started on time.
Note to self: When stopped at the DUI roadblock and the officer asks for your license and registration, don’t ask him to hold your beer next time.
“Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line until it’s no longer important to you.”
The first-time father was determined to be a good Dad. As his new family headed out the hospital door, he asked, “So, tell me, nurse, what time should we wake this little guy in the mornings?”
If you haven’t done stupid things while young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.
Aggressive Retirement 