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If I were marketing a new alcoholic beverage I’d name it “Responsibly” because then even my competition would have to say, “Please Drink Responsibly.”

When his printer’s output grew faint, a man called the local computer repair shop. A friendly serviceman suggested it probably only needed a cleaning. “We can do it for $50 or you could do it yourself.” Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the customer asked, “Is your boss aware that you discourage business?” The repairman responded, “Actually, it’s the boss’s idea. After people try to fix it themselves, we make even more money on repairs!”

I have friends in Florida who live in a gatored community.

Ophthalmologist: “Your test results are back.” Patient: “Can I see them?” Ophthalmologist: “Probably not.”

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “what’ll you have?” The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of autocorrect.”

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Some days I wish more people were fluent in silence

Well! Well! Well! If it isn’t the consequences of my own actions…

Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean someone’s not out to get me.

Never give your printer a hint that you are in a rush. It can smell fear.

A pirate developed some spots on his arm. After his doctor examined him, he said, “Good news. They’re benign.” The pirate answered, “No way, Doc. I counted eleven!”

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When I see ads on TV with a happy, smiling housewife using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds she is on.

I hate it when I go to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well, you know…Double Stuffed Oreos.

Me, sobbing, “I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again!” Trainer, “That was one sit-up. You only did one sit-up!”

I’ve made it to the age where I can’t remember if I just took the ibuprofen or I still need to.

Every C in the phrase ‘Pacific Ocean’ is pronounced differently.

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75% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

I hate it when people ask me what I did yesterday…I don’t know, I breathed a lot, probably got angry with someone…sighed heavily. The list goes on.

Why do professional athletes think I should care about what they think? If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, I’d ask my dog.

I started a new workout routine, doing crunches twice a day. In the morning, I do Cap’n and in the afternoon, I do Nestle’s!

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Sometimes I just want to tell my boss sorry, my mom said I can’t come in today.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Row, row, row your boat gently away from me.

It’s way too peoply out there today.

I’ve never seen anyone jogging and smiling…that’s all I need to know about that.

Life and beer are very similar…chill for best results.

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I just heard a woodpecker call me paranoid in morse ode.

You have to be odd to be number one.

Hmmm, that’s a bit harsh. Let me put LOL at the end of it.

We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public.

“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” – Tom Wilson

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My wife asked me why I speak so softly inside the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed…

I wish my life had background music like the movies so I could tell what was going to happen next.

I always keep several get-well cards on the mantel so when unexpected guests arrive, they’ll think I’ve been sick and unable to clean.

I seek patience instead of strength, because if I get strength I’ll need bail money as well.

Thought for the day: Fate whispers to the Warrior, “You cannot withstand the storm.” The Warrior whispers back, “I am the storm.”

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Old Dude Humor

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

As we get older we have to remain positive. The other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!”

I have one cup of coffee in the morning just to start the day off right. The rest is to keep me out of jail, help me form complete sentences and fuel my razor sharp wit.

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Old Dude Humor

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I remember being able to get up without the accompanying sound effects.

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing and intend to continue to do so.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

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I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it.

It’s amazing how different booty calling and butt dialing are.

Why are they called stairs when inside but steps when outside?

When I got my vaccine, the nurse said, “Oh, I see you have an iron deficiency.” I asked, “How can you tell?” She said, “Your shirt’s wrinkled!”

Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing, with no worry of getting caught!