Weekly chuckles stolen from the web
Two psychologists met at their twentieth college reunion. One looked much older than the other. The older-looking one asked, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems all day, every day, for years on end, wears me down.” The younger-looking one looked incredulous. “You listen?”
A dog ran into a meat market, grabbed a string of sausages, and ran back out. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to one of his regular customers, a lawyer. That afternoon he went to the lawyer’s office and asked, “If a dog steals meat from my store, do I have the right to demand payment from its owner?” The lawyer replied, “Of course.” The butcher said, “Then you owe me $27 for the sausages your dog stole.” The lawyer sighed and wrote out a check. The next week, the butcher got a bill from the lawyer for $500 for consultation!
An Army general retired and bought a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited a buddy to a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the general’s bird dog, Sarge. That dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best. The friend offered to buy the dog, at any price, but the general declined, saying Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever seen and he wouldn’t part with him at any price. A year later, when the same friend returned for another hunt, he was surprised to find the general had a new dog. “What happened to ol’ Sarge?” he asked. The general grumbled, “I had to shoot him. A friend went hunting with me and couldn’t remember Sarge’s name, so he kept calling him ‘Colonel.’ And after that, all he’d do was sit on his butt and bark!”
A college boy was fishing with his grandfather when the old man complained how the times have changed. The grandson mentioned the various diseases going around and then asked, “Grandpa, did you have trouble with diseases when you were young?” “Nope.” “What did you use for safe sex?” “A wedding ring!”
The local bus driver gave his tourist passengers an extensive tour of the Scottish countryside. “On your left is where the Scottish pulverized the English.” They drove a little farther. “On your right is where the Scottish massacred the English.” Soon, “Now we’re passing through the great battlefield where the Scottish whipped the English.” A Brit on the bus had had enough. “My good fellow, didn’t the English win any battles around here?” The driver said, “Not when I’m driving the bus!”